Nashville SC

Hunting for ridiculous signings

MLS is happening. Who will play for the Boys in Gold when they first take the pitch in America’s top division?

When trying to attract sports franchises, Nashville has always sold its “destination city” tourism industry as part of the pitch: fans will enjoy a roadtrip that includes an evening on Lower Broad. The nexus of that tourism industry revolves around music, and country music in particular.

Shouldn’t that be a positive when it comes to attracting players, as well? Surely, many athletes also fancy themselves musicians – and Nashville isn’t exclusively country, with a great Americana scene, and alt-rock musicians like Jack White and Dashboard Confessional calling Music City home.

The last one actually found results! (Though let’s not let any of this distract us from the fact that Alexi Lalas made the most fire pop-punk album of 2014).

  1. Clint Dempsey. Yes, I’m going to link to the “Don’t Tread” video. Here’s the thing: eye-rolling though it may be, it’s actually not bad. Give Deuce a little time with some top-notch producers, and a music career could be a reality! He’ll be 37 at the beginning of the 2020 MLS season, Nashville will want a huge signing with USMNT credentials, and no you’re starting to take this a little too seriously.
  2. Peter Crouch. Alright, so NSC already has an enormous target striker, but how about a like-for-like sub with a big name? By the time the 2020 season rolls around, he’ll be 39 and ready to make another year of soccer money and some sweet tunes.
  3. Carlos Tevez. Do not, under any circumstances, subject yourself to this. Carlos Tevez cannot sing… but could the Argentine improve with some time with the vocal coaches that litter Music Row? Only time will tell, but one must assume he could get better musical instruction on 17th Ave. than where he currently plays, in Shanghai.
  4. Leighton Baines. Sure, he’s currently starting for a top-half EPL team in Everton, but two years is a long ways off for a 33-year old. He doesn’t have any publicly-available music that I’m aware of, but famously travels with a guitar and hobnobs with English musicians. Time to take it to the studio, my friend.

Nashville is also known for something other than music: being in Tennessee, where there is no state income tax. Am I going to make cheap jokes at the expense of players in Spain who get busted for tax evasion all the time? Of course not. Wait, yes I am.

  1. Lionel Messi. Obviously the most famous footballer with these issues (or without them, or ever by the end of his career), Messi needs a place where the taxes are going to be a little simpler. The 30-year old has clearly lost a step, not having won the Ballon D’Or in a pathetic two years.
  2. Cristiano Ronaldo. The La Liga rival has similar tax problems, and while he’s not as far removed from his prime (his most recent award for being the literal best player in the world was just two weeks ago, far less embarrassing than Messi’s, and surely qualifies him to at least make the bench for NSC), he’s older than his well-known rival, and will probably lose his game much faster.
  3. Kaká. Yes, he just retired the other day, and doesn’t have the history of tax evasion, but I figured while we’re talking about recent Ballon D’Or winners, we’d better point out the most recent non-Messi/Ronaldo to win finished his career in MLS, and is only three years older than Ronaldo. Coming back out of retirement to again provide some excitement for an expansion MLS team has to be on his mind.

My prediction: Messi (finally) wins a major trophy for Argentina this Summer at the World Cup, and decides he’s accomplished everything on a major international scale. Comes to Nashville, wins 10 MLS cups in a row with NSC.

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